There comes a day in every Mothers life that her little bird must fly from the nest. Today is that day for this Mother and the grown little bird.
The tears are streaming down my cheeks as I write this. I am processing so much emotion... THANK YOU SWEETHEART FOR BEING SUCH AN INCREDIBLE TEACHER FOR ME. Alot of the emotion I can’t even explain, nor do I need to. I think in life sometimes it’s really important to just feel what is there, allowing it to be this big pile of heart break, sadness, celebration, sensuality, joy and love all at once. Exploding from me like an erupting volcano. I have Sarah McLachlan, her album, Fumbling towards Ecstasy as my therapist this fine and glorious morning. The cloudy light coming in my room is so perfect. I raise my arms and lift them from the key pad to meet this passion within me... I raise myself up to meet this calling of the dance, the dance that draws my passion to something, something that meets me so equally, so beautifully, so sensually. I feel held in this moment as I rock my hips, swirling myself in this weightless suspension... I feel you. I feel my God holding me, caressing my fullness. Holding all of me. Pain, joy, sensuality, sadness, celebration, and love, imagine that, ALL OF ME BEING HELD!!! ALL AT ONCE!!! I AM EMPOWERFED!!! I am all this. AND IT IS ALL PERFECT!!!
Sarah speaks to me with such wise words, “drunk on my desire.” I rein my desire back in, checking it, asking it why it’s here. I find that I have confused my desire with sensuality. I have somehow branded those two together and left my sensuality covered over by my desire. She is calling, counsel yourself beautiful goddess. Sway with your body, feel the power of your divine movement. My sensuality fills me, heals me, and comforts me with such lusciousness. My desire drops away with the dance and I find her, my Goddess, her sensuality, her magic potion for freedom, for love. I somehow feel that my daughter is tapping into her sensuality, her power , through this journey she is taking. I praise her courage, her devotion to herself and her exploration. Sarah speaks to me again, “I don’t like your tragic side as if your god has passed you by, and that is your deception. Only a fool is here to stay.” I breathe, I breathe again... she speaks again, “this is going to hurt like hell.” And I come into my center. Knowing that my devotion is to my love, this is my best friend and I will do anything for that friend. I acknowledge this friendship within. And I let go again of something that I established as part of my identity. And again, and again, and again. I re-establish my grip on myself as I fall, as I fall into my tear... into my rage. “I won’t fear love,” thank you Sarah. I fall deeper into my celebration, and yet another depth into my sensuality. I breathe as I sway and move into this trance of sensual security within.
I watched my daughter as she came up to this day of her departure. I learned a lot about her. How independent she is, organized, able, and how she fit everyone in to have that moment to say goodbye. I learned a lot from my daughter in this time. I also learned how full she is with beautiful and amazing friends and family in her life. This warms my heart, and fills me too, thank you Cayla, I love you. She came around 9:15 pm last night to say goodbye, we sat each on the couches, not too close, but close enough to be where we each needed to be. I asked if she would take something of mine, a trinket to keep with her, she said, “No.” I took that as her courage saying, “Mama I am ok.” The tears continue as I celebrate her. I see this as her initiation into womanhood. I spoke to her a while ago about doing an initiation and she said, “No Mama!” God I love her, she sure knows her no. And she sure knows how to find what is right for her. I understand that she needs to do this to head into the wild blue yonder without her Mama or her Papa this time. This is her time, her time to stretch herself out, feel where she has an edge, and maybe step over it, or maybe stay within it this time. But the beauty is is that she gets to decide without any influence from me or her Papa. I rejoice her freedom, her stepping out into the unknown to play with that part that isn’t familiar; in fact it is so unfamiliar, so foreign that it demands her absolute attention to detail. The detail of the path she is going to choose to take. And maybe it won’t catch her full attention in some of those moments and that will demand her awareness to ask her to make yet another choice the next time. And whatever her choices, they are all perfect and she is doing exactly what she needs. I trust you Cayla as I trust myself now. It is a gift that a Mother and a Woman can give to her daughter, to her Sisterhood, and to her brothers and lovers. I know that you are a powerful being just like me, just like everyone and you have your journey to take. I can let you go now and let you fly. I will be here if you decide to land again. And I am sure I will see you in the skies.
So I bid you a fond farewell my beautiful Cayla Marie. May your travels deepen your friendship with yourself. May you expand your level of trust of yourself. May you know that you are as free as you decide to be. And may you know that you are so DEEPLY LOVED BEAUTIFUL ONE!!! I love. And I love you more.
I have posted this to my daughters facebook message page, it is the gift that I could give her that honours the piece in me that wanted to give her something of mine and it honours her not wanting to carry anymore with her.